Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.