[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I love the honesty
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*