[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
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“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
🤣could you imagine
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.