Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
How animals would run if they were human
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.