[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
*pronounces fake like saké*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The glockness monster
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that