Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us