What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
You Might Also Like
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I never know how much to tip a cow.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running