Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.