@ticknada: Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk
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@novicefather: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
@AsYouNotWish: Proud to announce that I’m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don’t know we’re racing.
@thepunningman: [doctors] "How long have I got?" "Not long. Two, three months" [casually places apple on desk] "Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"
@TweetingDadGuy: Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.