@ticknada: Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk
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@all_about_today: Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I'm 38 it just sounds exhausting.
@iscoff: "Did you hire a wedding photographer?" Sure did! *a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*
@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”