@ticknada: Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk
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@GibJimson: Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own. Then eat it in front of them.
@weinerdog4life: Me: it's robocop Wife: it's not robocop it's dangerous *a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
@DaHess1: Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.