The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl