poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I think I’m having a stroke
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit