Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Always the camel, never the toe.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week