Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Goat cheese is for herders.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.