Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days