Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.