Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*