Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!