You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal