[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The Sun
I didn’t come here to be called names
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume