Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Happy thanksgiving
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Is this you?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.