*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
You Might Also Like
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us