[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?