*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.