*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
🙂🙃🥹
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread