Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
me and who
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon