Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
You Might Also Like
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.