Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
A family that plays together cheats.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
it must be school picture day
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.