cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄