Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
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Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.