Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Noah was an idiot.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say