Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.