I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well