Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
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No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Oops
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.