Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat