Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings