@SlabBaconBP: Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is "great" and "awesome."
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@KyleMcDowell86: ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame. MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide? ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
@iwearaonesie: wife: know what today is? me: yep wife: on 2 together: 1, 2 wife: Happy Anniver.. me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL.. wife:..sary me: wife: me: ..Santa
@JaneSays___: Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone's mouth while they're talking?