Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.