Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You Might Also Like
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
only 11 steps left
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich