Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My relationship with tea has always been strained.