Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”