@MauriceBlitz: Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds. Me: That's a cam- Wife: ... Me: Yes. Yes they do.
@ShotOfBull: I found a message in a bottle. It said: "The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago."
@haveigotnews: Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.