@MauriceBlitz: Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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@somecleverthing: I just had the thought "pfft. Your father can't die before you are born," and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert.
@LoveNLunchmeat: I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
@DaveWeasel: The words 'selfie' and 'twerk' have been added to the dictionary this year while 'charm' and 'dignity' have been removed.
@pmclellan: To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.