Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘