What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
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Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
just pretend nothing happened
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works