Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Cinematography is my passion
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
uh oh