Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.