Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
How to draw a duck
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
haha same