my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.