Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.