Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
A small tragedy.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.