@kumailn: "Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump." - SWAT manual on breaking down doors
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@EndhooS: [1st day as a paramedic] me: can you point to where it hurts cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
@mrtruthandsoul: No, I don't need a bag; I'm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
@outsmartedmommy: Me: Ugh how can people live like this?! Him: This is our house. Me: What the Hell happened? Him: We had kids. Me: Oh. Right.