Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
just pretend nothing happened
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.