@kumailn: "Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump." - SWAT manual on breaking down doors
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@iwearaonesie: me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
@kelownagoose: Fun game: Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says... "Wow...Are you sure that was for me?" And wait.
@megankcomedy: I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing