Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.