Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?